Tips and Talk – January 2007

As I got into the ‘flow’ of writing this month’s ‘Tips and Talk’, I realised that it was focusing on Presuppositions again. My initial reaction was “Oops!…back to the drawing board”, then I began to wonder why. Well it is true that that the ‘Presuppositions – Preaching or Practice? day is coming up on February 10th. However, it was definitely more than a marketing opportunity; why did I decide to run the day in the first place?

When I’m running trainings, I tell delegates about my own early experiences with NLP and repeatedly I come back to the profound effect working with the Presuppositions had for me. Nothing has changed: I still find that, no matter how much training people do, how many ‘Ah ha!’ moments they have, it is the Presuppositions that open them up for the journey.

Initially, some of the really useful insights involve considering and becoming consciously aware of the presuppositions/assumptions/beliefs that we are carrying (sometimes dragging) around with us. These can pop up anywhere: they can be about ourselves, others, what’s possible, what’s necessary; the list goes on. In some cases we go into a situation presupposing so much about it, that the result is a forgone conclusion. Now, sometimes this can be extremely helpful – it just depends on the assumption!

Read on and reflect ……

NLP Tales …..Stories from ‘Everyday NLP folk’

It had been a great day, I’d just completed the third day of my NLP training, and although I felt a bit tired and was ready for a break, my head was buzzing with lots of excited thoughts. The weather was fine and it felt good to be alive driving along the peaceful country lanes, having left the hustle and bustle of the trip well behind me.

There were very few cars around moving in either direction and it felt very therapeutic driving along, admiring the view, looking at the varying architecture, and enjoying the feel of the sunshine through the windscreen, with only my thoughts for company.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a throaty, black, sporty hatchback rapidly arrived on my tail. Within moments he was driving so close, I couldn’t see his number plate. I felt my shoulders tense, mild anxiety settle in my stomach, and I muttered a few very unladylike expletives under my breath – tailgating is a pet hate of mine!

From my limited experience of the trip, I knew we were in for a few miles of almost non-stop hairpin bends and narrow roads, not really wide enough for two cars to pass. Great, now the driver was flashing his lights continuously and, if it was possible, was driving even closer to my bumper!

There was nowhere to pull over safely, so I eased forward using the power of my two-litre engine trying to create at least some space between us. Bad move – every time I eased forward, he accelerated more; did he think I was taunting him? By now I was very uncomfortable about the thought of driving at this speed on unfamiliar roads of this type. If anything untoward happened we would collide, and I’d rather do that at less speed.

OK, calm down, don’t be pressurised into driving faster. I gradually slowed down a bit, praying he’d do the same, which, thankfully, he did. Then he started backing off, flashing his lights and tailgating again. Still nowhere to pull over, and now I’m remembering tales of women drivers on their own being forced to pull over, and then being assaulted/mugged! Sod that for a lark! …. A brave thought that did not reflect the sick feeling in my stomach: I felt threatened and unsafe.

So we kept this up for a wile, with me getting more tense and anxious by the moment. I was also a bit angry; a good day had been tainted. ‘OK’, I thought, ‘Let’s try these NLP Presuppositions, (we had just spent a day exploring these guiding principles), out. Deep slow breaths and relax – what comes to mind? ‘The intention of all behaviour is positive’ and ‘Every behaviour is useful in some context’ ……. Oh yeh? That driver’s behaviour felt very positive and useful!

So, how could this driver’s behaviour be positive and useful ….for him!

Well, we’ve all hard the classic tale of the wife giving birth in the car; perhaps he’s rushing a pregnant woman to hospital? Whilst not useful to potentially kill her, himself and the unborn child, let alone me, I can empathise with someone panicking in a stressful, unfamiliar situation, one where they believe that a specific behaviour is the only answer.

Maybe some close and dear relative is ill or dying? Again, it may not be useful to put your own and other lives at risk, but how many of us have acted rationally under strong emotional stress?

When could it be useful to drive aggressively? Perhaps if driving like that cleared people out of your way, and helped you save someone’s life? Or if you’re a rally driver, I guess you have to drive close to the edge to win the race.

Perspective starts to fall into place. His behaviour may not be naturally acceptable to my model of the world. It may in fact be intrinsically dangerous – but - how will my stressing about his behaviour help the situation and make me safer? After a few rounds of thoughts like these, I am significantly calmer about the whole incident. Then, thankfully, we reach a village and he overtakes me at a speed significantly over the limit. Fortunately no one is around, so, for the moment, he is a danger only to himself …. And NLP has given me the gift of more useful behaviour on my own behalf in that situation.

And the postscript to this story is that, a mile or two later down the road the car turned off into a pub car park and I drove on past, shaking my head slightly and smiling to myself as I reflected further on positive intentions!
                                                                                                   Catherine Camfield

Tip of the Month

What are we taking in through the door?

Think about the various roles that you play in your life: professional, parent, partner, friend (Ever wonder about how you manage to accommodate all these people?!)  Often, when I’m putting my key in the lock at the end of a working day, I’m aware of what I can only describe as a ‘mental shrug’. A large part of that shrug is down to me, adjusting my assumptions/beliefs/presuppositions to the different role I’m about to assume.

One of the first things I do is change my clothes – off comes the ‘I’m smart and businesslike, but with just enough warm fuzzy and maybe a bit quirky (and of course therefore interesting!)’ uniform, and on go the ‘old, worn and infinitely comfortable, slouching around’ clothes. With the change of clothes goes a change of attitude – whether useful or not, you’d have to ask my husband! The clothes I wear are the result of a conscious choice – the attitude? Well I would like to think that it is always a conscious choice, unfortunately honesty compels me to admit that this is definitely not always the case!

Experiment

1. Make a list of the various roles that you encompass in your life.
    For each one make a list of the assumptions you have about that specific role.
    Example:
    Role:  Parent

Assumptions:  Being a parent is really hard work; it gets easier/harder as your children   get older; you need to be calm and firm when you discipline; I always end up losing my rag – I’m rubbish; it’s a full-time job; it should be a full-time job; one parent should be at home; parents need their own lives too ……

There will be no definitive list for each of your roles – there will only be your list, compiled as honestly as possible.

2.  How might your assumptions about each role have affected your behaviour?

1. Towards yourself?
2. Towards others?
3. How do you feel about that?
4. In the light of this, how useful are these assumptions?

3.  Take any assumptions you think have not served you well and come up with some 
      possible alternatives you think would be more useful.

4.  Try them on for size!

                   Have fun!

        Jenny and John