Tips and Talk – February 2007

I have just had a long and extremely enjoyable catch-up phone call with a good friend (Make sure to timetable one in soon, it’s great for the soul!). In the course of our cosy gossip she suddenly asked, “Guess what I’m doing for Lent?”: I have to say that Lent doesn’t really figure in my timetable, but, as a Catholic it is important for her.

What is interesting is that instead of focusing on abstinence, (She had already contravened the “I will give up alcohol” one!), she is doing something and has given herself two daily goals to accomplish, both of which are tasks she feels she has not had time for. They are not obviously ‘earth-shaking’, but will:

1. Require effort and commitment

2. Focus attention on achieving something

It’s amazing isn’t it, that when we want to change a current situation or behaviour, we either focus on what we don’t want, and then wonder why we get more of the same, or think that the ‘old way’ had nothing going for it at all and should be completely disregarded. The truth is that, if we weren’t intending to get what we want from the situation or behaviour, we would not be there, doing it!

This is why I think that one of the most important aspects of the NLP approach to goal-setting is that it encourages you to consider what positives you are getting out of your current situation/behaviour. Doing this makes it much more likely that you will be successful in achieving your ‘new, improved’ situation/behaviour because, once you identify the positives you get now, you can build them into your goal.

Let me give you an example of how this works. I was running a course for child-care professionals and in this session we were working on setting well-formed outcomes. The group was working in pairs, guiding each other through the process. The exercise had been in full swing for a while when one couple called me over: the ‘client’ was finding it impossible to come up with any positives she got from her current situation, which was being half a stone heavier than she wanted to be. She had recently given up smoking and attributed the weight gain to this change. Despite eating healthily and exercising regularly, she just could not shift that unwanted weight. Grabbing hold of herself she said, “Look, why would I want these ‘love handles’? There’s absolutely nothing useful about them, they’re revolting”.

I started asking her some questions and suddenly she had a ‘light bulb moment’. For much of her adult life she had been extremely thin; no matter what, or how much she ate, she could not put on weight. Friends and colleagues repeatedly expressed the opinion that she must be ill or anorexic. She knew that she wasn’t anorexic, but what if she was ill and didn’t know? At this point she again grabbed hold of her ‘live handles’, “These let me know I’m OK!!”

There was no way she would let herself let go of that half stone until she had another way of knowing she was OK. Now that she was aware of what had been going on, she could develop some alternative convincers that she was more comfortable with.

So how do you build these ‘more comfortable alternatives’ into your smart new goal? Read the ‘Tip of the Month’ for a simple way of getting some ideas.

NLP Tales …..Stories from ‘Everyday NLP folk’

Outing my Outcomes!

As one of our course assignments we were asked to think of three outcomes we would like to achieve in the next six months and identify what positives we get from the current situation. Once we had done that, we had to focus in on one of them and consider how we could build those positives into our new goal.
 
Following some careful consideration, I chose my first outcome:
To increase my fitness by going for a 30 minute walk each evening.
What do I get now?

1. I watch all my favourite soaps

2. I get to stay warm

3. I get to stay in my very attractive ‘comfy’ clothes!

4. I snooze

5. I am in my house, which I spend a lot of time away from

6. I don’t use up any energy

7. I nibble treats

I chose this because it feels more relevant at this particular time. I am aware that I am consuming increasing amounts of chocolate, whilst simultaneously spending an increasing amount of time thinking that I really should go out for a walk!!! I utilised my chocolate partner in crime, my husband, as the person to help me ‘run into some ideas’.

We brainstormed the following suggestions:

1. Perhaps we could go for a walk earlier, so that we were back in time for TV.

2. Perhaps we could video the programmes.

3. Perhaps I could talk to other people who watch the programmes to catch up on the story lines.

4. Maybe I could put on some extra layers over my ‘comfy’ clothes to keep warm whilst out.

5. Maybe it would be OK to go out in ‘comfy’ clothes as it is dark!

6. Perhaps I might not need to snooze because I will have a boost of energy from the walk.

7. Maybe I could reduce the meetings that I attend that often take me out of the house in the evening.

8. Perhaps I could come home for lunch and see the house more that way.

9. Perhaps I cold take a bar of chocolate with me on the walk as a nibbly treat.

As a result of our brainstorm, I now have a good selection of choices that can help me maintain nearly all of the things I currently get from not going for a walk. It has made me able to visualise my outcome and feel it is achievable – I now have the motivation to sustain this regular form of exercise. I now have options that appeal to me and that fit well with my husband who this decision also impacts on.

I am very much a person who tries to find her own solutions because I don’t want to trouble others. I have nearly always given an immediate response to any suggestions offered, which I now realise can shut the door on not only that, but any other possible suggestions. I have learnt from this experience just how valuable and easy it can be to gain ideas from other people and the importance of accepting these until you find the ones that suit you and provide you with choices rather than dilemmas.

I feel that it has altered my way of thinking and that changes don’t always have to bring negative consequences through the form of a ‘loss’ of something that you currently get from a situation. I also realise that I can often use things I don’t want to lose as an excuse not to make changes. I am thrilled with this change of mental stance!
                                                                                                 A Diploma delegate

We are really keen to keep these NLP Tales going and would welcome any and all contributions. If you have an interesting or enlightening tale to share, please email it to us: info@innersense.info

Tip of the Month

‘Running Into Ideas’

Sometimes, having identified a goal or outcome, when you ask yourself, ‘How will I make it happen?’ the answer is, ‘I don’t know, I’ve tried everything I could think of: I’ve run out of ideas.’ Alternatively, you might have been thinking in vain of how to incorporate current positive benefits into your new goal.

This is where brainstorming, getting as many ideas as possible from a chosen pool of people, can be helpful The disadvantage of traditional approaches to brainstorming is that often suggestions are publicly rejected, leaving the donor feeling ‘put down’ and unlikely to share any other ideas.

It also allows the ‘client’ to get into negative details:
‘Oh I’ve tried that so many times before and it’s never worked. There was the time when ….. and then on another occasion …….’ And on, and on.

Experiment

Either get together with your chosen group of people (this is a really useful tool for teams) or be your own coach: this will only work if you stop any self-editing and allow your creativity free rein.

1.         The client gives the group a brief 30 second brief (clear and simple) on the issue; what it is they would like some additional ideas on.
            For example:

I have a colleague who cannot make any decision independently. Every time there is    something that needs to be done, rather than take the initiative, he comes to me. I would like some ideas on how I could help him become more independent.

2.         The group provides as many ideas as they can – be creative and stop self-editing. The only rule is that you begin each suggestion with one of the following:
            Maybe you could ………….
            Perhaps you might ………

3.         The client is only allowed to say ‘Thank you’
            In order to keep the ‘Thank you’ neutral, have the thought that you are thanking the person for offering a suggestion.
            (This is very different from the usual response of, ‘Oh I’ve tried that ….’

            Keep going until there has been a good pool of suggestions then ask the ‘client’ if they have at least 3 that are worth trying. If they have, you’re done, if not then keep going until they let you know they have three options.

            There is no de-briefing, only the ‘client’ knows which of the suggestions they think will be useful.

                   Have fun!

   Jenny and John