Tips and Talk - October 06
‘What is REAL?’ asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana caem to tidy the room. ‘Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?’
‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you …..’
‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.
‘Sometimes’, said the Skin horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’
‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’
‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ……
The rabbit sighed. He thought it would be a long time before this magic called real happened to him. He longed to become Real, to know what it felt like; and yet the idea of growing shabby and losing his eyes and whiskers was rather sad. He wished he could become it without these uncomfortable things happening to him.’
‘The Velveteen Rabbit’ Margery Williams
I was reading this story to my grandchildren recently: it was half term and we had three of them (10,
7 and 4), staying on their regular holiday visit. As I sat back against the cushions, with the two younger ones snuggled up, I felt very ‘Real’ and could also connect with getting ‘loose in the joints and very shabby’!
As we came to the final sentence and they went off to play, I reflected yet again on what a wise story it is and how it related to some of my NLP experiences. In particular I recalled thoughts I have had for some time about the nature of change.
I have heard people on NLP trainings talking about change as some exciting adventure:
‘If only change wasn’t so fast.’
‘If only change wasn’t so easy.’
‘If only change wasn’t so exciting.’
‘If only change wasn’t so exhilarating.’
‘If only change wasn’t so blissful.’ (Yes, I’ve actually heard that one.)
The thing is, it can be exciting and exhilarating, like going on safari in the African bush: and just like being on safari, there are potentially ferocious beasts lurking in the undergrowth, waiting for the opportunity to leap out, catch you unawares and have you for lunch!
The thing is that change can be fast, easy, exciting, exhilarating, but sometimes, as the Skin Horse said, it happens bit by bit, sometimes it takes a long time and sometimes it hurts. None of this of course means that it may not be useful, effective even necessary; it’s just good to have a reality check.
I firmly believe that taking an NLP approach to facilitate change can lead to it being fast, painless, and comparatively easy: I’ve seen it happen for others and experienced it for myself. So why highlight that it doesn’t always happen this way? Because if you have set in tablets of stone that change will be this simple, what happens if you meet resistance or discomfort? Often the result is that people give up, since their experience is at odds with their expectations.
Change, even when earnestly desired, takes us out of our ‘comfort zones’ and into unfamiliar territory. This won’t always feel comfortable in the short term, but, in the words of the Skin horse, ‘..once you are Real you can’t become unreal again.’ ….. and for those of you who don’t know the story, after various trials and tribulations, the velveteen rabbit gets his wish, and becomes Real!
NLP Tales …..Stories from ‘everyday NLP folk’
The Corridor State
Between my office and my classroom is a well-trod corridor. In fact that corridor with its colourful humanities displays and purple grey carpet has experienced from me every state that one can imagine being in. I have dashed up it, grumbled on it, shouted (unfortunately) at children on it, skipped on it, been brave on it, and shared whispered conversations over it. Perhaps I have spilt tears on it, and I have certainly stomped my way over it on one direction or another. This piece of carpet however is now my path to calm and orderly productivity.
On Monday the 26th. June I arrived at work at 7.15am. I had a lot to do and had decided to organise my time so that instead of working in the evening, I would do my work earlier in the day. Jim, the ex-milkman, looked a little shocked as I marched purposefully towards my room. Once I had assured him that I was very early, and that he was not terribly behind with his morning jobs, he was very cheery and grinned a ‘Morning Jo’. My head, to be honest, was full of jobs to do. I had new teachers coming for an orientation day, there were the groupings to put together for a training day that was complicated, and there was a Performance Management review to do: all this aside from my classes to tech. I had done a little preparation at the weekend, but had limited it to an hour – I resent working at weekends.
At my previous NLP weekend, we had learnt how to move from a present state to a desired state, and with my partner, had worked through a present state of whirlwind activity, which was not particularly effective, to a desired outcome of calm productivity. During the exercise I had discovered that actually achieving the desired state required discipline, that there was something gratifying about rushing around with that ‘too much to do hurried-ness’ that seems funny in other people. To achieve the outcome there needed to be focus and a willingness to prioritise and not be distracted. We had even discussed that washing up the office mugs could be something that was done after everything else rather than being a nice displacement activity to start the day.
I stood at my desk, switching the computer on, putting my lunch away and generally beginning to multi-task, and then picked up the mugs to wash up. It was at that point that I realised what was happening; I was off into a multi-tasking spin. My body was tightening up, I was talking to myself, breakfast felt like a lump in my stomach, and my mouth was dry. Checking to see where Jim was, I took myself into the corridor and stood in my present state. I then took the steps towards my desired state, calming down as I did so. I was aware of my mind clearing, eyes relaxing, breathing slowing and shoulders dropping as I approached the spot. I repeated it again smiling to myself as I came closer to where I needed to be.
An hour later, the tasks of the day were completed and I thoroughly enjoyed washing up the mugs and having a chat with Sally, who was tidying up the food technology room. The day was very busy, but all was accomplished effectively. I arrived home for 6.00pm knowing that my working day was behind me and that I had time to enjoy the evening ahead.
Joanne Calladine-Evans
Tip of the Month
An exercise in self-awareness and maintenance
In a busy, sometimes demanding life, it is easy to overlook or at least by-pass a critical aspect of change – self-awareness. The emphasis is put on others; either how they should behave differently, or how we should behave differently towards them.
Ask yourself the following questions, and really listen to the answers, whether you’re comfortable with them or not: if you want things to be different, you need to know exactly what the starting point is.
1. How forgiving are you of your own mistakes? What difference does the
context/situation make?
2. How do you talk about yourself to others? How often and easily do you acknowledge
your strengths?
3. How do you talk to yourself about yourself?
4. What do you think about taking time for yourself?
5. When do you actually take time for yourself?
6. How much freedom of choice do you allow yourself about how you spend free time?
7. What expectations do you have of yourself? What expectations do you have regarding
your professional role?
8. How often do you feel disappointed?
9. How well do you manage disappointment?
Have fun!
Jenny and John
PS It’s getting closer to that time when Christmas begins to occupy your attention - remember,
the next certification programmes start early in 2007:
Practitioner Certification, start date February 24
Master Practitioner, start date January 13
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